mexico is everywhere

mexico is everywhere

Monday, October 3, 2011

doing hard things

Poster is the tired looking one on the left.
It took us 6 hours to get to the top of this, the highest mountain in Maine and the end of the Appalachian train or the beginning if you are heading for  Georgia. Neither Ann or I had climbed anything like it of had any real idea of what we were getting into when the idea came to us. It started with a very steep three hour hike. Then it turned into a climb which I believe is when you are using your hands nearly as much as your feet. We bear walked across the knife's edge between Pamola and Katahdin which is only 1.1 mile but seemed much longer as there were steep drops on either side of the ridge which were thousands of feet. I figured that if I fell I would have time to read the newspaper before I hit the ground at the bottom. When the nice couple we met at the top took this picture we thought we were almost done. We finally got off the trail after 11:00 having walked about 3 hours in complete darkness.

 I was very concerned about not being able to make it as I ran out of water and began getting cramps in my legs from dehydration at the beginning of the climb down the rock slide down the side of the mountain. Ann was terrified and climbed very slowly. I had to go ahead to get water which I found dripping from a rock a half mile down the climb. I used a cliff bar wrapper as a cup to get enough water in me to go back up and make sure she was still climbing. She was. We slowly got to the treeline at sunset. The ranger a mile on at Chimney Pond loaned us a couple of flashlights and a long sleeve shirt for Ann who was getting cold. We fille up on water and walked through the darkness down the rocky and technical trail and I managed to fall three times.

It was not fun or necessary to make this climb. Much of the time I wanted to quit or abandon Ann for the sake of my own fear and safety. I was not prepared.  We were on the move from 8 AM to 11 PM and I was exhausted at the end. The trail and the mountain have no memory of me but the climb changed me. I know less about the world and more about myself. Hard things work on us.


waking up unwilling

What you are holding onto so heroically
Left here three days ago. Why seek you the living among the dead?
When you open your hand and let go, losing choice and a fingernail or so in the process,
You lose this and make room for that which may never come
Though I expect it will.
She telescoped down to a newborn old lady
I loved her wavering between strength and frailty
Cold wisdom clouding the mirror she no longer looks into
It could as well be a blank sheet of white paper for all it reflects these sunny days
I kneel warmed by the silence of my cross laden bedroom and pray for
You.

What is the problem

We find ourselves in a post-modern, post-human world. The apparently contradictory though practically identical positions that either life’s purpose and meaning is found only in what one experiences on a purely private and subjective level or that life is whatever fashionable dogma presently in vogue is Truth are both toxic to being human. Both the weeds of suicidal absurdity and totalitarian nightmare grow from the soil of ignorance watered with pride.

The emergence of a human being from animals more like modern apes than modern humans is not an automatic process. The difference between a band of gorillas living peacefully in a jungle where fruit is close at hand and safety is a tree climb away and a space shuttle launch is obvious. The apes to which we are related are well adapted to a specific environment while we have adapted our environment to ourselves to such an extent that we recreate it in cold airless fatally radioactive space away from the planet where we and the gorillas came into being. The science behind the shuttle involves a large number of steps and processes and materials, many of which do not exist in nature. The science involved is neither subjective nor dogmatic; it involves question, experiment, and replication.  What comes together in the vehicles we launch off the planet comes from the patient, persistent work of many human beings many of whom had little idea that their work would contribute to the ability of humans to leave the planet. We learn with mysterious deliberation and use what we learn in work with a purpose utterly unclear until generations later. Here is ample cause for humility and acknowledgement of a higher power. There seems to more here than simple genetic mutation leading to more successful reproductive and survival probability in light of random adaptation to random environmental change. In the minds that made the space shuttle out of materials that did not exist in their present form a century ago, we see the mind of a Creative Intelligence that is more than a result of discernible cause and discernible effect.

The kids I have taught over the years will be hear after I am dead and have the capacity to ask questions and attempt to solve problems. I tell them every year that everything in the classroom around us began as an idea, as a solution for a problem: the room’s walls, floors, and ceilings; the electrons flowing through the tubes of glass over head bringing relatively high light with relatively little heat; the sheets of glass in the windows blocking air but allowing the light from the sun. The list goes on seemingly forever.  Paint, clothing, floor tiles, cinder  blocks, door knobs, heating system, chalk, wires inside walls, and computers. Each made thing was created, patented, and sold as the result of someone solving a problem and bringing their solution to market.
We went to the Herr’s potato chip factory and counted the products and processes involved in growing potatoes, transporting them, preparing and packaging the chips, selling them, and getting them to the stores. The machinery and equipment that is involved and the way it is assembled to make a good tasting and inexpensive snack all came from the minds of people asking questions and solving problems.
Any scientific work is done on the basis of precedent work. Even the purest creativity has some basis on previous discovery and invention. Isaac Newton, in considering his work in physics and the discovery of the laws governing the movement of objects in space (though not the laws underlying the laws: this remains an area where other dwarves stand on the shoulders of other giants) said he was like a dwarf standing on the shoulders of a giant. He was repeating the words of Saint Bernard who was in turn referring to a Greek myth. If you don’t believe this, stand on my shoulders and look it up on the Internet.

Outside the controlling interaction between instinct and environment, we change the world outside our minds to make a world that our ancestors would have difficulty recognizing using means we create as well. Flying through the air at 600 miles per hours in tubes made from a metal that can only be extracted from its ore with massive amounts of electricity we sip our coffee and fart into cushions fabricated from the black sludge pumped from beneath the earth which is also used to run the superheated jets of air that pushes us and the bored stewardesses in hours toward cities it once took months of dangerous ocean travel to go to. A little over a century ago, science was revised when the Wright brothers showed that heavier than air flying machines were possible and filled the world with previously unimaginable possibility. Aluminum was a precious metal when Ben Franklin was fooling around with electricity. Now planes made of aluminum fly overhead and nobody bothers to look up until someone with nothing to lose and a box cutter forces some of them to crash into office buildings. We have changed the world greatly but ourselves hardly at all.

I talked to a relatively intelligent man two nights ago who is drinking himself to death. His liver is being destroyed by his swallowing a liter of vodka everyday of his life. The smell of his dying liver comes off his body like a miasma. What is he doing? Karl speaks in sentences, has held a good job for many years, is pleasant and conventionally moral but he had killed himself with apparent deliberation. Why? What is missing that could make all the other elements of his life add up to 0? He is dead by his own hand whether deliberately of by accident. “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.”

Around the edges of the cities at night and more often than not within them, darkness comes and mocks our efforts to entertain and invent ourselves out of our fear. Religion, philosophy, and science have tried for all of history (the written record) to deal with or to deny death. The brightest lights in the brightest rooms in the brightest cleanest cities do not ease the blackness that comes when we close our eyes. The planes hurl themselves through the cold sky overhead and our doctors cut out cancer and send us home healed. God, the gods, and the demons live only on our screens as important as the Disney characters they have become. We put make up on the faces, stuff cotton in the mouths, and formaldehyde into the bellies of our dead put them away into the ground or burn them to ashes and then forget them rather than visiting graves and honoring the ancestors as we once did. We are like unto the most high but we know we are not. We shiver with the buried certainty of our death and the end of everything to which we cling. It’s dark out there but darker in here.

despair into hope

I despair of my ability ever to change myself into a better man than I am. I have been trying to do so for 27 years of the 50 I have been alive but just can’t seem to do it. I pray to be freed from my laziness, loneliness, fear, and anger but I turn my head and there they are. Can God do for me what I can’t do for myself or is it possible that I can do it for myself and am I just not willing? Today is a day. My back suddenly began to hurt again. I think it is from too much sitting around. I have been officially unemployed for one month and 3 days. I am in love (or just involved) with a woman who sometimes I don't understand. I am trying to write but my focus is too weak to stick with it for more than a few minutes. Help me, God.